


euphoria

by peterplusmj



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Depression, Drug Addiction, F/F, Lesbian Character, Love, Past Drug Addiction, References to Depression, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 23:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21126836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterplusmj/pseuds/peterplusmj
Summary: in which rue bennett and everly spencer find that there are reasons worth living





	euphoria

**Author's Note:**

> warning!! if you are triggered by mentions of depression, anxiety, addiction, sex (etc) please read with caution

**back from rehab**

-1-

Everly Spencer believed she would die before she reached the age of twenty.

She believed she would never find love, never go to college, never have children. It wasn't that she didn't _want_ those things, it was that she wholeheartedly believed that she wouldn't make it there. That she wouldn't last. She wasn't happy, and in fact, she couldn't remember the last time she truly had been.

Most people were scared of death, scared of what would happen to them and if it would hurt. But Everly, she was scared of life, she was scared because she knew how much pain it could bring.

She’d never meant to hurt anyone, and it's not like she wanted to die, and when she had swallowed that bottle of pills she hadn't been thinking clearly, not really, and it was when she'd woken up in a hospital bed with IV attached to her arm that she realized that she wished she just hadn't woken up. She remembered the steady _thump thump_ of her heartbeat as it pounded so hard she could feel it throughout her entire body and the way her eyes had _burned_. She remembered the way her father had looked at her when she'd opened her eyes, the doctors had said that it was a miracle she had woken up, and from that moment forward her dad had called her _his miracle._He always tried to make the best of the situation, Everly thought it was pointless but she didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop.

She sometimes wished she could just stop living. It was almost silly, she was only seventeen years old and she'd already had enough of life. A race she'd never asked to be apart of and that she knew she had no chance of winning.

She had to live though, for her dad, for her seven year old brother that relied on her to read him to sleep at night, for Mrs. Winters who lived in the apartment across from them whose daughter she babysat when she had to work the nightshift.

She was guilty for being such a burden on her small family, guilty for never being good enough. And then her dad had sent her to rehab, he really meant well, she knew that but she couldn't help but think he just wanted to get rid of her, get rid of the burden that she'd become. And in that moment she knew she wouldn't, couldn't make it to twenty.

But then, she'd met Rue.

It wasn't the romantic bullshit every movie portrays where you meet someone and your entire life turns around and you kiss in the rain and everything's magical and perfect. This wasn't a romcom, it was life in the suberbs of LA. This wasn't a fairytale and Everly was not a princess. It was two teenagers trying to survive in a fucked up world where they had been given the worst hands at life. Two teenagers figuring out for themselves and maybe, maybe for eachother that there were reasons to live.

Thinking back on it, her life had really started the summer before junior year. The summer she'd met Rue. The summer they had both ended up in the same rehab facility, for different reasons of course, but they were there together. Both fighting their battles, trying to make it to the next day.

Now, in rehab there are strict rules about getting to know the people who are in there with you. Something about how it can hurt a person's progress and distract them from reaching an end goal. They were probably right but Everly had never been one to follow the rules, and she and Rue had quickly become good friends.

When she had been allowed to go home it had been earlier than Rue. She hated the fact that they'd never exchanged phone numbers and now she had no way of contacting her, she didn't know if she would ever even see her again.

She dreaded going back to a life where she had no friends, where her only company were the thoughts inside her head. Her thoughts weren't exactly the friendliest and for the past month she had been with others at all times, mostly Rue, and hadn't been able to let her thoughts cloud her better judgement allowing her to make bad decisions. After all, it had been her irrational thoughts that had caused her to swallow the bottle of pills in the first place.

So yeah, she really didn't like to be alone.

The first day of school rolled around and she couldn't say she was looking forward to it, though, she _was_ looking forward to not being alone. After she left rehab she spent most of her time with her now eight year old brother Ty, taking him places and letting him be a kid. She felt bad for missing his birthday. But deep down she knew she was being selfish, spending time with him so she wouldn't have to be alone... but she didn't have anyone else.

She walked into the building, her heart racing. She was clutching her backpack straps so tightly that her knuckles had turned white. She had never been the best in school, but never the worst either. She averaged low B's and never took honors classes, she was never a teacher's pet and never the class clown. She was always in the middle, but that was okay because being in the middle made her invisible. And invisible was easy.

The first four hours of her day passed by in a blur.

She recognized a few people in her classes from past years but they had avoided her, and she'd avoided them. Apparently the news about her suicide attempt had spread quickly and there was an unspoken agreement not to talk to her. She tried not to mind.

But then it was lunch. The time she dreaded most in her day. Most teens would say that lunch was their favorite part of school, those people actually had friends. She hated how she could hear whispers about her as people passed, they would wonder aloud if she was okay, never bothering to just sit down and ask her.

She was staring at the table, trying to focus on something other than her erratic heartbeat and how people seemed to veer away from her table when someone, no, two someones sat down across from her. She looked up slowly, hoping that it wasn't someone here to ask her to move. But it was _Rue_, someone who she never thought she would see again after rehab with another girl who she didn't recognize.

"Hey Everly, how's freedom been treating you?" Rue asked nonchalantly, as if they had just seen eachother yesterday. Everly didn't think, jumping up to wrap her arms around the skinny girl, because she was there.. _Someone was finally there._ She smiled for what felt like the first time since she'd been out of rehab and it felt good.

Rue was in her classic maroon hoodie that she never seemed to take off and some oversized shorts, though, everything Rue wore seemed to be oversized.

"Pretty good," she said, her voice was uneven, and Everly remembered that she hadn't actually spoken all day.

Rue didn't look like she believed her but she nodded anyway, "this is Jules," she introduced the girl who sat next to her, Jules gave her a smile and a small wave, "she's my..." Rue paused glancing at Jules for a second, "she's my best friend."

Everly stared between the two girls and suddenly she didn't feel well, she hadn't even thought about Rue's life outside of rehab, _of course she had friends_.

Not everyone was like her.

"I'm Everly," she said weakly, and Jules nodded, "I met Rue this summer." Jules glanced at Rue in confusion before looking back at Everly.

"That's funny, me too actually," she said and Everly blinked in surprise, she knew that Jules wasn't from rehab, she would have noticed if Rue was hanging out with a pretty blonde. She hadn't seen Rue in a few weeks, _had they really become best friends that fast_? She had to remind herself that the same thing had happened with her and Rue. _Had they even called themselves best friends_? She didn't think so and she felt jealousy run through her. And she knew it wasn't fair, not to Rue, especially not to Jules who she barely even knew.

"That's... cool," she managed out and stared at the table again.

"Everly is a pretty name, where's it from?" Jules asked and she sounded like she was really trying to be friendly. Everly felt even more guilty for being jealous.

"My mom picked it out," _before she left you_ her brain added helpfully. It had been years since her mom had walked out on them but Everly still felt sick.

"Nice," Jules said, giving her a tight smile, and Everly could practically taste the awkwardness in the air.

"So Ev, do you want to hang out after school? Jules and I were going to if you want to come too," Everly could tell Rue was attempting to salvage their conversation, she couldn't remember the last time she'd hung out with someone other than Ty.

"I have to babysit my brother," the lie slipped out of her mouth before she could stop it, she couldn't help it. She had a hard time making friends, she always had, and she hated herself for not even giving Jules a chance. Because she knew if it was just going to be Rue and her, she would have said yes.

"Aw well maybe some other time!" Jules smiled at her and Everly tried to smile back.

"Isn't your brother like _eight_ now?" Rue said skeptically, "shit... when I was eight, I was going to highschool parties on my own."

Everly swallowed, "well not everyone wants to turn out like you, Rue," her voice sounded hostile, and Rue's expression hardened.

"I think I liked you better in rehab," she snapped, standing up from the table and walking away.

Jules sat there for a moment, most likely shocked from the turn of events, before saying, "she's had a rough day, give it some time, she'll come around." Then she got up and followed Rue out the door.

Everly couldn't understand why Jules was being kind to her, especially after what she'd just said to Rue. She put her head in her hands with a groan.

_How did she always manage to fuck everything up?_

**Author's Note:**

> well i hope you enjoyed the first chapter!! everly is one of my favorite ocs so i hope you like her too<3 thank you for reading!!


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